Where Is The Love?
I'm really cross with myself and just generally. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up at the beginning of February. I led the way because I couldn't bear the situation we were in anymore. I didn't feel I loved him enough to be the kind of girl he deserved. Also, when we started going out he was more 'mighty' for want of a better word but by then, I was able to ask for anything I wanted virtually and get it. Instead of it being what I thought I wanted, it turned out to be a destructive thing. It goads you to challenges boundaries and make unreasonable demands like a spoilt child.
We had, and it still continues, an ongoing legal dispute between our parents that eventually eroded away our ability to honest with each other. I got to the point where I would deliberatly not mention when I was going to see my family and didn't want to hear about his. In the end, an email came to light which at the time I believed he had filtched from my email account (he's a techie wizz - such things are child's play!) I was really, really hurt by this - it drove me crazy almost. We'd always been so honest and I was heartbroken that he could have gone behind my back like this. I was also furious that a stupid fucking court case could have driven us to this.
Anyway, we broke up, without me ever mentioning the email or his percieved theft. I'd fought against the secrecy for so long, and was so upset by the betrayal that I couldn't face discussing it. Even if he had said he hadn't taken it I don't know if I would have been able to believe him. Since then we've had an extended (6 month) period of silence. It was easier all round I think but lately we've started talking again. As part of a casual discussion I mentioned the email. He looked at me blankly and said he knew nothing about it.
What's most awkward is that at the time I knew I had made the right decision. I probably still have. My real angst comes from the fact that essentially I am a coward. Rather than keep loving him like he loved me, and he really did love me lots, I piked out and always worried about what might happen. I was worried the legal stuff might break us up. Because of that I have the suspicion that I always held something back when I shouldn't have. I wanted the uncomplicated stuff from our early days when all we thought about was each other and 'naughty fun'.
It's all bothering me now because he's falling in love with someone else. And she's going to have all the nice things. And I know its really unreasonable to not want him to do that, especially since we don't appear to have futures destined for each other and I've been perfectly happy in the six months we haven't seen each other, but I can't really help it. I am really happy for him because he deserves someone great. But seeing him recently has made me remember that for nearly two and half years he was my best friend. The person that I told everything to. The person who argued with people for me because he loved me. The person who made me cry with laughter and nearly kill myself with stress. And the person who made feel more safe than I have since I was about five years old.
We had, and it still continues, an ongoing legal dispute between our parents that eventually eroded away our ability to honest with each other. I got to the point where I would deliberatly not mention when I was going to see my family and didn't want to hear about his. In the end, an email came to light which at the time I believed he had filtched from my email account (he's a techie wizz - such things are child's play!) I was really, really hurt by this - it drove me crazy almost. We'd always been so honest and I was heartbroken that he could have gone behind my back like this. I was also furious that a stupid fucking court case could have driven us to this.
Anyway, we broke up, without me ever mentioning the email or his percieved theft. I'd fought against the secrecy for so long, and was so upset by the betrayal that I couldn't face discussing it. Even if he had said he hadn't taken it I don't know if I would have been able to believe him. Since then we've had an extended (6 month) period of silence. It was easier all round I think but lately we've started talking again. As part of a casual discussion I mentioned the email. He looked at me blankly and said he knew nothing about it.
What's most awkward is that at the time I knew I had made the right decision. I probably still have. My real angst comes from the fact that essentially I am a coward. Rather than keep loving him like he loved me, and he really did love me lots, I piked out and always worried about what might happen. I was worried the legal stuff might break us up. Because of that I have the suspicion that I always held something back when I shouldn't have. I wanted the uncomplicated stuff from our early days when all we thought about was each other and 'naughty fun'.
It's all bothering me now because he's falling in love with someone else. And she's going to have all the nice things. And I know its really unreasonable to not want him to do that, especially since we don't appear to have futures destined for each other and I've been perfectly happy in the six months we haven't seen each other, but I can't really help it. I am really happy for him because he deserves someone great. But seeing him recently has made me remember that for nearly two and half years he was my best friend. The person that I told everything to. The person who argued with people for me because he loved me. The person who made me cry with laughter and nearly kill myself with stress. And the person who made feel more safe than I have since I was about five years old.
posted by Make Mine A G&T at 4:30 PM
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